the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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