So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
