Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
