Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Shame - the story of my life.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
