I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
