my vag is so smooth its legendary
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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