She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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