did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
