What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
