They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
