I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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