I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
