when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
