sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
