Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
