I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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