my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
