make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
