I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
