Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
