separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
my poor anus
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
