Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
