i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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