Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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