dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
stop calling my apartment porn island.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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