Betty ford says i'm here all night
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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