so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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