You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
