I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
