here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
