rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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