Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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