My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
