if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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