We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
