I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
