Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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