but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize