We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
