It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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