why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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