There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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