Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
