he shaved USA in his pubs
The beers last night were like the tears from god
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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