People in love make me want to vomit
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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