Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
