if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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