Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
