walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
did i just pee glitter
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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