I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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