My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
