My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
