Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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