Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
