I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
