that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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