The best revenge is premature balding
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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