The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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