my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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