so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
