I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
